What does a Purpose Person do when she’s lost her mainstays? Life transitions as purpose disrupters.
In recent months, I’ve lost my “normal”. My beloved 96 year old mom died after a short illness. Four days later, my work responsibilities and schedule changed from leading rehabilitation research to becoming a part-time researcher. My first loss could’ve been expected but despite my mom’s advanced age, her rapid decline and death came as a surprise. I chose the work change but with it came threads of disappointment (e.g., how the changes were handled administratively and awareness of things not accomplished) and the discombobulation of re-establishing a work flow and focus. And let’s be clear: the loss of the vibrant Life Force that was Virginia far eclipses the smaller life disruption of my work change. But I’m here to say, these transitions add up.
William Bridges defines a transition as a slow psychological process of inner reorientation and reorganization to incorporate shifts in identity that occur after some sort of change. Because transitions shake up how we see ourselves and our future, by definition they disrupt our sense of purpose in life. A few (not necessarily fun) facts about transitions that shed some light on my current experience and maybe yours.
Transitions begin after the significant life change occurs (not during). The actual changes have to settle in before I can really begin the process of inner realignment.
According to Bridges, transitions occur in three phases: an Ending (feeling grief or dismantled by the change and ultimately needing to let go); the Neutral Zone (feeling empty or stuck as people confront an ambiguous future); the New Beginning (feeling renewed at the prospect of a new chapter in life).
We experience these phases even when we’ve chosen the changes that evoke a transition.
Right now, I’m in the Neutral Zone and understand that, like the experience of grief itself, the Neutral Zone often takes its own sweet time. Here’s what the Neutral Zone looks like for me.
Some days I’m happily engaged in my “normal” daily activities – busy, satisfied, and often happy – and on others, I just go through the motions as the sense of lostness weaves through the hours.
Some days, to my surprise and revulsion, I cry about the stupidest things such as phone calls with customer service robots or a flaky internet signal that interrupts my work. These everyday hassles stir up an emotional mélange of missing my mom, work disappointments, concerns of friends and family, and chaotic world events.
I don’t yet have a revised set of priorities or long-range goals and life just feels tentative.
The good news is that I know that this is normal – maybe even necessary for the kind of ongoing growth that I value. This knowledge helps me embrace the ambiguity and unpredictable emotions of the Neutral Zone rather than pretending it away or busying myself out of it.
And so I say bring it. In the forthcoming posts, I’ll chronicle some of my way through.
How about you? What is or was your experience with transitions? What helps you manage the flatness and emotional confusion of the Neutral Zone?
Onward!
Sources:
Source: Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions – Making Sense of Life’s Changes – 2nd edition. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.